I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
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fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now