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My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.