I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
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best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING