“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
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Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.