Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
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I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good