Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
You Might Also Like
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.