dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
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I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
FRED: right
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
I had to Stop for this
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
no regrets
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!