Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
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daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
the council will decide your fate
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.