[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
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FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don鈥檛 hold the elevator* It鈥檚 the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses鈥hat optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
In banana years, I am bread.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor鈥檚 appointment. Why? I鈥檓 down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won鈥檛 be ignored.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it鈥檚 just filled with hot dog water
Always 馃ゴ
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
How people watch movies when they鈥檙e:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*