Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
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Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
This kid is a star!