COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
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My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
So glad we cleared that up
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.