COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
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Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
This checks out
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Duolingo getting serious.
Happy Star Wars day!
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
definitely did not do anything wrong
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that