All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
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Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”