*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
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me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Vodka burrito was a success
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.