No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
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New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Happy Caturday!
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries