The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
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Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.