[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
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COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.