I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
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So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
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There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own