I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
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Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Only short people can save us
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”