I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
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A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
peak technology
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school