I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
You Might Also Like
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.