dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
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Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess