Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
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if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him