[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
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I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.