Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
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Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.