*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
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Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
when revenge coincides with naptime
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
How I’d get arrested…
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter