My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
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The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?