When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
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my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
This checks out
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened