[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
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Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee