‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
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[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
plant them where lol
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy