Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
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Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time