Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
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WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever