Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
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If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious