Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
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something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*