wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
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LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.