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Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone