Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
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Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Body by cheese-puffs.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.