“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
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I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
me and my fake scenarios
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Cardio Made Easy
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah