My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
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[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what