“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
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i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”