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[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.