I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
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All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Banana is the quietest snack
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?