I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
You Might Also Like
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
they finally got him. they got macavity
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Feels like the fourth month in January
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.