Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
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MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?