I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
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“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.