Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
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Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…