I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
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The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Match dot com, but for socks.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Incredible customer service.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.