If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
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[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.