How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
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How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
apparently this year was written by stephen king
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.