When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
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So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Lmfao
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.